You may of seen my Instagram post yesterday about Monkey’s first gymnastics session! Well the short of it, was he broke my heart, he didn’t want to try, as he didn’t know how & felt it was ‘tricky’
Well this has prompted me to open up, I’m petrified and even more nervous to even be saying this out loud, for fear of judgements & being spoken about!
Its also something, I have been ‘thinking’ about writing for a while now, (many versions sitting in my drafts, depending what mood I was in)
But yesterday sparked this uneasy feeling in me! What if Monkey ‘has’ what I do?!?
OK so by ‘has’ I’m not sure that’s the right wording, but I have Anxiety! ahhhh this really isn’t easy for me! I think even sometimes, its even the verge of depression!
You see, I’m scared, if not, sometimes, petrified, to admit, things do not feel OK, that I couldn’t tell you when the last time I had a complete month of feeling A OK! I’m scared that everyone around me, will see me differently, see me ‘as that girl who has issues’
See this is the problem, my thoughts, how I feel, what my mind tells me! I’ve been called all sorts for coming across ‘miserable’ ‘moany’ ‘negative’ but sometimes I actually cannot help it!
Most of the time, I would say people would describe me as happy go lucky, a chatter box, that one that says “yeah i’m OK” , now…sometimes, this is the case, but i’m pretty good at hiding it…
I’m already sh**ing it! Opening up, that I will be treated different, that no one will bother, that’s already a MAIN issue of mine..
My mind is forever telling me that I’m not important to the ones around me, and day to day I believe it, I don’t really know why I feel this way.
I’ve seen a counsellor a few times and usually this helps, there’s not a reason as to why my mind does this.. there’s not an event that started this, and seeing Jonny Wilkinson on This Morning recently, completely resonated with me!
He said how his was more the ‘can do better’ that before a game he just couldn’t bring himself to go out there and mine isn’t like that, the parts that I resonated with was that he felt it had been since a child, and since he said this, POW.. I thought yes! I always thought this was recent events, but thinking about it, I’ve had feelings like this on and off for soooo many years.
At junior school, that automatic feeling of I cant do that, feeling afraid to put my hand up to answer a question, to wanting to please everyone, to be liked and never to disappoint anyone!
Unfortunately, this seems to have carried through, in one way or another, Forever the helper, wanting to solve everyone’s problems, and maybe this is a cover for dealing with my own!
This is my issue and its not everyday, sometimes it can be a few months, but then equally it can be every day for a few weeks, I don’t seem to have a trigger! but the more I’ve been home, the more my mind wanders into negativity!
Its been a week where I’ve not had one person ask how are you? (apart from the hubby) and its silly, these are the times of my ‘episodes’ that somewhat trigger a negative mood. I’ll start to think, no one likes me, I have no one, no one cares anymore, I’m only useful when they want someone… (I have to say sometimes this is true) But I even know when its happening, that in some ways i’m being ridiculous, that my mind is just being horrible to me!
But it can really take me into a not very nice place, especially, if I’ve then had a row with the hubby, or ‘one’ of ‘those’ days with the kids, then I go into this.. I just want to run away mood, now it never happens and it isn’t realistic, as I love my family and kids more than anything! but my mind takes me to the.. will anyone notice or even mind!
I have this real issue of thinking (see this is the issue.. thinking)
That i’m always being judged, what i’m doing, what I look like, that I’m not living my life how people ‘expect’ me to!
Anxiety or at least that’s what I think it is.. seems to have a hold on me and I don’t know what to do, to let it go.
Having some counselling, as I’ve mentioned above, has helped, as in, i’m more aware and I know when its happening, which is a great sign and certainly an improvement! I can usually talk myself back into reality!
It does affect areas of my life, it certainly ruined my work life, don’t get me wrong the place in general added to the stress and strain, but the way I went about things and dealt with it, whole heartily was down to this.. in fact, its at work that I had my first and in a way, last panic attack, it all got too much and I knew I had to speak to someone!
Its something that affects not only my mood, but my sleep, looking after myself, I make sure the kids are OK all of the time and sometimes forget about me!
Its the devil on my shoulder telling me, why are you bothering with this ‘blog’! (for instance) No one cares, no ones interested, you’re over sharing, keep things to yourself…. I can go on!!
Thing is, I’m OK with at least trying things, meeting new people, but I seem to give up at the first hurdle, I’ve done courses and then never used them, met people who don’t then stay in touch!
This is the greatest issue for me! That feeling like you are still a child and no one likes you! and that you have nothing to aim for in life!
Now when I am being rationale, I know I have friends that care, that my goal at the moment is my children, and maybe career aspirations may happen along side that!
And yesterday, when Monkey uttered those words to me! ‘Its Tricky Mummy’
I wanted to burst into tears & wrap him up & shelter him from everything. My little boy, for only 10 minutes, looked over at the other children, who all seemed to know how to do everything, and maybe even know each other! He had the look of fear, and I could tell immediately what he meant by ‘its tricky’
He was afraid, anxious, unsure, as he didn’t know how!!!!
This is something that has featured, in and out of my whole life, in one way or another, and only recently have I noticed this!
Last night, when the kiddies were in bed, I cried and hugged my husband, I cried and cried, explaining to him, that I felt all my fears where happening!, That my gorgeous, clever , little boy, was going to have a life of feeling like he couldn’t do something! That he would feel this way, because of ME!
That he is stuck with my DNA, therefore he would be broken!!!
My hubby is amazing, and made me realise, that all we can do is guide and help, Monkey & Piglet! That yes, they both, may have times they don’t feel they can, but for us as their parents, can help build them up! also to be there when & if they fall!
This has spurred me, to not only work on not feeling like this!
But maybe, and its a massive maybe, that by being honest and open, even if, I can only do it to, my virtual world, then its an easier day!
And if, just by being honest, I have helped anyone! Then laying this out, for the world to see, was worth it!
I will make it my mission to ensure both my babies, never ever feel that they cant do something, that not everything works out, but trying & believing in yourself is far more powerful
And in the words of my gorgeous boy, it maybe be ‘tricky’ but still give it a go… and lets see